I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
