you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize