I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
