im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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