and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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