my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
