Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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