a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
either way he was missing a nipple.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
