SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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