so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
