is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
