It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize