Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
