Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
