she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
