I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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