rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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