Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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