Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
