Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i can't believe i had my finger in that
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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