I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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