I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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