I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I party with great urgency now.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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