Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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