He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
