i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
