My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
