Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It's just like the Real World with babies
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
