I just pynch a tree in the face
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
