Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
