you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
