I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
