ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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