you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
