I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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