do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
