I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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