i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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