my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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