I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
