I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
