Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
