I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
