tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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