i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
