My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize