i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is Oprah even human
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
