ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
