i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
