finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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