i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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