im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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