Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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