Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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