She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
