The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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