I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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