I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
