Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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