she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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