the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
