Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
