So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
