i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
