my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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