I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
