you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
