how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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