just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
