you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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