just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize